The Role of Shame in Sex and Porn Addiction Situations

There are a few themes that tend to be common among many people who deal with sex or pornography addiction in their lives, and one of the most well-known and frequent here is shame. Shame can show itself in a number of ways in people, from impacting your self-worth to amplifying your mistakes, and it may have roots that go back many years — but it can also be combated in some simple, healthy ways.

At Desert Solace, we’re proud to provide numerous resources for people struggling with these sorts of addictions, including residential treatment, outpatient treatment and many forms of both individual and couples’ therapy. What role does shame and the toxic shame cycle sometimes play in various kinds of addiction, and what are some helpful concepts for breaking free of it among those looking to recover from an addiction? Here are some important facts.

The Cycle of Shame in Addiction

For many people, shame is a frequent and ever-present feeling. It might be something you feel regularly in your day-to-day life or only in specific situations, but it can have a huge impact on how you view the world and yourself — especially if it’s something you’ve been struggling with for a long time. And when shame is paired with addiction, things can become even more complicated. Here’s a look at how the shame cycle can work in addiction:

1. You make a mistake or have a slip-up related to your addiction.
2. You feel intense shame and embarrassment about what you’ve done.
3. You try to cover up your mistake or keep it a secret.
4. You feel even more shame and self-loathing because you’re trying to hide your addiction.
5. The cycle repeats itself the next time you make a mistake or have a slip-up.

As you can see, this is a vicious cycle that can be hard to break free from — but it’s not impossible. In fact, there are many people who have been able to successfully recover from addiction and live healthy, shame-free lives.

How Shame Manifests

Shame may manifest itself in several different ways depending on the individual in question. For those dealing with shame based around a sexual or pornography addiction, there are a few common formats here:

• A belief that you are fundamentally flawed or bad
• A feeling that you are not good enough
• A sense of being unworthy or undeserving of love, respect or attention
• An intense fear of rejection

There are several ways that shame can end up impacting your life, both in the short-term and long-term. In the short-term, it might manifest itself as:

• Withdrawing from social situations or avoiding eye contact
• An unwillingness to try new things or take risks
• Intense feelings of anxiety or depression

Leaning on the Addiction to Cover Shame

And sadly, in many cases, those who deal with sex or pornography addiction will begin to self-manage their feelings of shame or low self-worth by increasing their addictive practices. Many people who deal with porn addiction will use sexual images or videos to mask feelings of unworthiness or shame — while this is not identical to someone using an illicit substance to cover up emotions, some of the underlying concepts are definitely the same.

Sadly, though, this behavior simply contributes to the overall shame cycle, as we went over above. Rather than provide a real solution to the problem, it simply masks the issue and makes it worse in the long run.

Shame Leading to Isolation and a “Trapped” Feeling

In many cases, over time, shame can lead to isolation as individuals begin to feel like they are the only ones who could possibly understand what they’re going through. This, in turn, can translate into feeling trapped and unable to move forward — but it’s not necessarily the truth.

At Desert Solace, we believe that healing and recovery are possible for everyone, no matter how bad things may seem right now. Our team of compassionate and experienced counselors can help you work through the shame you’re feeling and develop healthy coping mechanisms that will set you up for success in recovery. The rest of this blog will go over some simple themes on how shame can be overcome, and how you can break through the shame cycle and see real improvements for any kind of addiction.

Breaking Through the Shame Cycle

Luckily, even if you’ve been trapped in the shame cycle for quite some time, it is possible to break free and start living a healthier, happier life. Here are a few tips on how you can do just that:

• Talk about your shame: Oftentimes, one of the best things you can do to work through your shame is to talk about it. This can be difficult, but it’s worth it to find a trusted friend or loved one who you can confide in. As you open up about your shame and start to process it out loud, you may find that it begins to dissipate and lose its power over you.
• Identify your core values: A great way to start overcoming shame is to take some time to think about your core values. What are the things that are most important to you in life? Once you have a clear understanding of your values, you can start using them as a compass to make decisions — rather than letting shame dictate your choices.
• Challenge your negative thoughts: If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, take a step back and challenge them. Are they really true? How do you know? Oftentimes, when you start to examine your negative thoughts, you’ll see that they’re not based in reality — and that can be a powerful realization.
• Focus on your positive qualities: It’s easy to focus on our negative qualities when we’re feeling down, but it’s important to remember that we all have positive qualities, too. Make a list of things you like about yourself and refer back to it when you’re feeling low — it can help remind you that you’re not defined by your shame.
• Be willing to accept help: Finally, one of the most important things you can do to overcome shame is to be willing to accept help. Recovery is not a journey you have to take alone — there are plenty of people who want to help you, whether it’s a professional counselor or a loved one. Reach out and let them in, and you’ll be on your way to a better life.

If you or someone you know is struggling with shame related to sex or pornography addiction, please reach out to us at Desert Solace. We understand what you’re going through and we can help. Visit our website or give us a call today to learn more about our program and how we can help you heal and recover.