My life had become completely unmanageable. I was at a point where I felt so trapped that the only way out was to take my own life. I had everything I could ever want, I had an amazing wife, career, and life. But I kept doing things that were destroying all of that, the worst part was I knew it was destroying it and I hated it but I couldn’t stop. My sexual addiction has been present for the larger part of my life causing me to feel despair and hopelessness countless times throughout my life. It seemed like a never ending cycle, only ending in me acting out and feeling complete despair again. I felt crazy at times and extremely frustrated as to why I couldn’t stop doing something I hated. I found myself seeking help from religion and church leaders only to find myself not doing certain things for periods of time but this even became a cycle of its own as well. 

When I got married to the woman of my dreams I thought all the porn would be behind me, it had been for a long time prior to the marriage so I figured I had overcome it all. Years into my marriage I found myself in complete fear and shock as I had begun to view porn again. But rather than be honest with my wife or anyone around me, I just hid it. The lies began to grow and I began to live a double life in many ways. My sexual addiction consumed me and had transformed beyond porn. I couldn’t live with myself, I hated who I saw in the mirror, I was destroying everything I loved for something I hated. I couldn’t keep track of the lies and I often felt everyone would be better off without me. The day I finally felt I had a chance to experience joy and live the life I desired was the day my wife and loved ones found out about my sexual addiction. It was the most painful day of my life, but from that point forward I didn’t have any more lies to live.

My actions had caused some serious pain to my wife and those around me. Trust had been broken and I realized I still needed help. I didn’t know what that help looked like or what to do. But gratefully I quickly came across Desert Solace, the second I learned about the facility and what they offer I knew that I needed to take a serious action to have serious results. My 90 days at Desert Solace gave me the time and resources to take the ongoing steps towards a real lifelong recovery. My time at Desert Solace equipped me with tools, resources, and an understanding of how to be the most authentic me. For the first time in nearly my entire life I felt peace, joy, hope, and even love for myself. Each day I was given the opportunity to choose into the day and apply myself even when it was hard as I processed trauma with a professional CSAT. My recovery with Desert Solace was given a proper start and allowed me to create a recovery plan with boundaries and resources to allow for a lifelong recovery.